Crash Diet

Day 1: “Babe, your ex hooked me up with a big shipment of diet food from her company, so the kitchen is now a junk free zone. We’re getting in shape for our wedding this summer.”
“If you say so. I’m kinda surprised Kristen’s buried the hatchet, but all the seals seem to be intact. If you need help, I’m you man.”

Day 5: “Hey Charlotte? Do you actually like this stuff? It’s pretty gross, and honestly I don’t really think it’s working.”
“Carl, yeah, it’s not the best. BUt I’ve already lost 5 pounds, and I feel great. Please don’t bring in any other food. I don’t think I can keep this up if I have the option to cheat.”

Day 10: “Babe, do I look alright to you? I was at the gym today, and I couldn’t put up anywhere near my personal bests. I think I’m coming down with something.”
“Honey, it’s probably just the calorie restriction from the diet. I’ve gone down another dress size this past week. Maybe you should start eating double portions.”

Day 15: “Alright, Charlotte, I think I need to quit this diet. I can barely lift the bar at the gym, and I’m starting to feel pretty puffy. Look at this, my chest is swelling up. I’ve got to be allergic.”
“I told you it’s just the calories. Eat as much as you need until your not hungry anymore. And I think the puffiness is just water weight, I feel bloated every now and then too, but after a day or so it goes away and I feel great. Plus, I think you’ll be happy about the shape these are getting me into on our wedding night.”

Day 20: “No, No, get those out of here. I told you, you can’t have other food in here. This diet has me in the best shape of my life, and I need to keep it up without distraction.”
“Charlotte, look at me. I’m wasting away. Fuck, I needed somebody’s help getting these groceries to my car because I couldn’t do it myself. The puffiness won’t go away, I’m turing into a doughy fatass. None of my clothes fit, and I’ve somehow outgrown all my pants even though I’ve lost over 50 pounds. Jesus, I could even swear I’m getting shorter!”
“Honey, calm down. Calm down. Please just give me one more week. That’s all I need, please? I’ll owe you sooooo much.”

Day 30: “Ugh, I thought we’d seen the last of this stuff. I was so looking forward to regular food after this month was over. Why don’t you stop; you’re already super hot. Steve is crazy if he’s asking for more.”
“Oh, I know Courtney. But this isn’t just for me now. I’m picking out the bridesmaid dresses in a week, and you’ve still got some work to do girl. Come on, you were such a big help to me already, let me repay you.”

Day 50: “Hey Char, what’s with the fridge? Are we out of diet food?”
“I got rid of it. Like you said, I’m right where I need to be. And plus, it always worked better for you. Have you looked at yourself lately? All that weight you lost in your tummy you found right in you tits.”
“So? I like being sexy, and so does Jason.”
“Well I’m cutting you off. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is for your maid of honor to be hotter than you? I don’t need to make it worse… Hey, if it makes you feel better, I’ve got like 50 more boxes of the stuff clogging up my basement. They’re all yours the second I’m on my honeymoon”


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