Swapper for Hire

I was beginning to think that Nate might be the one. Every moment I spend with him only makes me more certain of that fact. He can help me up when I’m in down, and is the first person I want to share my joy with. And the way he makes love to me is absolutely indescribable. I never thought I’d ever openly admit that, and I certainly never thought I’d be happy about it. Let me explain.

I used to be a man named Christian. Early in life I discovered I had an extraordinary gift, I could switch bodies with anybody I wanted, so long as they agreed to it. At first I just played around with it, swapping around with friends for a laugh. But it wasn’t long before we realized it could be useful too. We could take tests for each other, ask out that girl the other was too chicken to approach, or ace the tryouts for the baseball team. That was the beginning of my unique business venture.

From that day forward, anybody who knew about me could hire me out to get them through an obstacle they couldn’t or wouldn’t face themselves, so long as they had the money. I had two rules I bound myself to, I would always overcome the task to the client’s exact specifications, and I would never abandon a job once I had taken it on. I could even give people the memories of my accomplishments should they want to relive “their” achievements. I’d had plenty of strange jobs over the years. Sure, I took plenty of exams and asked out plenty of women, and men too, but there always seemed to be people with new and interesting tasks. I took plane flights for those afraid of flying, I talked to doctors when people had embarrassing questions, and once I even got cast in and shot a Hollywood blockbuster. I can’t say as who, but I can say I made well over seven figures for that job.

When I told my first really serious girlfriend, Val, about it, she lost it. She demanded all the details. When she found out that I had not only been flirting with other women, but had actually slept with some of them, she stormed out without a word. Two days later her friends came and moved her stuff out. It was a shame, she was smoking hot, but if she wasn’t OK with this I didn’t know what else could be done.

About a year later, I got a message from her, not asking for closure or anything like that, but looking to hire me. I heard her out, and it turns out she was nervous and wanted me to stand in for her at her dream wedding. That’s a dirty trick. She just wants to rub it in my face that she’s marrying another guy. Well, I knew just how to get back at her. I’d heard people before regret not winning the big game themselves, or that the first time they met their future wife it wasn’t really them. Well, I was going to call her bluff and sign away her rights to her own wedding before she could turn back. I snatched the contract out of her hand and put my initials down right next to hers. “I’ve gotta say, I’m surprised you’re already engaged. When do we swap for your wedding.” I did my best to hide my triumphant grin.

Shockingly, she was grinning back. “Oh, I never said I was engaged. In fact, I’m not even seeing anybody right now. But that’s not a problem is it? I thought you did all the preparations necessary. Now, if this contract is right that means we swap right now and you get started.” Shit. I had no choice, the contract bound me by more than law. If I didn’t swap with her soon, I’d sorely regret it. I got it over with as fast as possible, and went through the most bizarre conversation of my life. My ex, in my old body, describing the perfect wedding I was going to have.

“I think to start all you really need to know is that it’s to the perfect guy. That’s obvious right? He should make me feel safe, but not like boring safe. And he should be smart. Humor is a must too. Obviously he has to be madly in love with me, but not in that whole obsessed way. Oh, and he needs to be super hot and a dynamite lay, if you even need to be told that.” I shuddered. I’d done this once before, finding somebody a date for senior prom. When they gave me their preferences, they did it literally. I’d certainly know a man like that when I saw him.

That’s what I thought anyway. As it turns out, even when you instinctively know exactly what your looking for, finding your perfect match is hard. I spent the better part of two years dating around as Val, never having a relationship that lasted longer than a couple months before I found some sort of deal breaker. My friends, well I guess they’d be Val’s new friends once this was all over, would get on me for refusing to lower my standards, having no idea that I literally couldn’t.

When I finally met Nate, we clicked almost instantly. I was wary, I’d had that feeling a couple times before, but it grew stronger and stronger the longer we dated. Every moment with him felt like something that was just supposed to happen. After a year, when he finally talked me into moving in with him, I had few doubts. He was certainly smart, taking his tech company from a small startup to a household name in only a year. And as for the physical requirements, I could see the envy in my friends eyes when they saw us together, and their jaws would drop if they knew a tenth about what he could do in the bedroom. The only real doubt I had was how madly in love he was himself. We were fast becoming an inseparable couple, but with neither of us absorbing the other it was hard to see just how seriously the other took this.

After another year and a half, I was certain he loved me at least as much as I did him. The only hurdle left was to get him to propose, and have the wedding. Still, I didn’t know how I felt about that. It was surreal. I knew this was all meant as my ex’s revenge, but after years it barely registered. My relationship with Nate was increasingly becoming the only thing on my mind.

Last week he shocked me with a surprise trip to the tropics. My heart leapt, knowing what it might mean. We hopped on a plane straight after work, and were on a boat drinking margaritas before sunset. It’s been a lovely week of beautiful hikes, fancy drinks, and toe curling sex. One afternoon, while snorkeling, I noticed Nate heading in much sooner than usual. I got back to the boat to check on him, and caught him lighting the candles for the romantic meal he prepared. On the table was a small square box. I barely let him get the question out before I threw myself into his arms, and followed him bellow deck. That was without a doubt the best sex I’ve ever had in my life. Feeling him fill me, slowly at first but building in intensity, was breathtaking. He kissed the nape of my neck and ran his hands over my bouncing breasts as I repeated my answer over and over, sure the whole island could hear us.

Making the call to Val was hard. I’d been looking forward to this for a while, but now I knew going through with the wedding meant turning Nate over to her. I was finally understanding her revenge. Upon hearing the news, I heard my old voice say “Excellent! He sounds perfect, I’m sure I’ll enjoy him. Now, I have some details about my dream wedding. It should be large, with all my friends there. The food and drink should be excellent. Actually, I have a whole list of details I can send you. But there’s one important detail that you should know. Something that’s not standard.” I heard a new malicious tone in my old voice “I’ve had the dream that, during my wedding, only my closest friends know that I’m already pregnant.” There was unrestrained laughter, then they hung up.

I barely contained my grin. She thought she’d outsmarted me with my contract, but she clearly hadn’t read it closely enough. I’d learned that there was one group of people who would notice when I swapped into somebody without fail. Babies would always be able to tell if their mother was really their mother. It lasted from the start of gestation all the way until they were finished breast feeding. After seeing a baby freak out once, I added a clause stating I’d never switch if one party was pregnant or breast feeding. And judging from the size of Nate’s family, and the way we’ve been talking, that should keep us together for another five or six years at least.

Nate walked up behind me on the deck and wrapped his arms around my waist. After a few wordless minutes enjoying each other’s embrace, I said. “Babe, can I ask you a strange question?”
“How much do you know about this boat?”
“A little, enough to sail it, why?”
“Do you know a lot about the plumbing?”
“Not really. This is a strange question. What’s on your mind?”
“I was just wondering, do you think the toilet would be damaged at all by birth control?”

He stared at me for a second before a grin of realization fell across his face, and he carried me below deck to find out.


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