One moment I was alone in my apartment channel surfing: the next moment a puff of pink and over-perfumed smoke announced the arrival of not one but two TG Fairies. I recognized the first one – we had had several less than successful encounters. Although the last time I saw her, she was a him. And even though she hadn’t been able to make any successful change to my gender, she seems to have found a way to change hers back again. She is back to her blonde, buxomly irritating self.
“That’s him. He’s the one. Right there. It’s his fault,” she yells.
The second TG Fairy is new to me. She seems quite different – totally lacking in the classic elements of Bimbosity, she looks more like a librarian. Well, a well endowed Librarian – specially with her blouse popping open. She opens a small notebook, pulls up her glasses and runs her finger along one of the pages. I manage a glimpse of the page. There isn’t anything written on it at all.
“My name is Lilith Lovegood, and my assistant Barbie has informed me that you have wasted or caused her to waste three TG transformations. Do you deny these allegations?”
Her name is Barbie? Figures.
“Wait,” Barbie interrupts, “There weren’t any alligators. I didn’t say there were alligators” Then turning back to me she says “There weren’t, were there?”
I shake my head. “No. No alligators.”
“I saw the cutest Fox alligator handbag once.“
Lilith does not seem too amused by Barbies pratteling. “It probably said ‘faux alligator’ There is no such thing as a fox alligator.”
“Oh yes there is. I saw its handbag.”
“Well, there were only two tg transformations and neither of them were–”
Barbie interrupts me, “Well I had to change back, didn’t i? That makes three.”
Lilith continues “Before you argue any further, please be aware that nothing you will say will in any way change my decision on this matter. You are a man, and all men are scum.”
“Yeah,” Barbie chimes in, “Men -Scum!” then turning back to the other fairy, she asks “What’s wrong with Men’s cum. I sort of like it.”
Lilith rolls her eyes. “As punishment for the way you have wronged Barbie, I am authorized to punish you by transforming you into a woman, so that you can learn firsthand how it feels.”
“Yeah, “ Barbie says, “That’ll show you! You’ll be parading around with two of these babies hanging off your chest,” she grabs her breasts and jiggles them, “And you won’t have an outie down there anymore .You’ll have a one of these.” She pulls down her shorts to reveal her well shaven pussy. “Yeah. And your bottom will get all round and plump like mine. See? And you’ll probably have sex with guys and they might even have sex with you too.”
Lilith interrupts. “And possibly women as well. That happens. And instead of the pants and shirts you wear, you’ll have to wear pretty dresses and blouses.”
Barbie laughs, “except at night and then you’ll wear some silky negligee or some sexy lingerie with lace. Oh and you’ll have to get your nails done, and a cute hairstyle. This is great. Now you’ll pay for what you’ve done. You are so going to hate it.”
Lilith: “Now, how do you plead?”
I am so excited I can barely form a sentence. “Guilty, your Fairyness. I am so guilty. I truly deserve to be punished.”
Lilith pulls out a glittery pink magic wand, and prepares to wave it. Barbie does a little celebration dance but then stops cold.
“Wait,” she says. Her face, more serious than I have ever seen it. Like she has to use the ladies room. “I had a thought.”
Both Lilith and I turn to stare. Neither of us ever dreamed we would hear those words come out of Barbie’s glossy pink lipped mouth. This can’t be good.
“Don’t we like being women?” she asks.
Lilith stumbles over her response, “Well, uh – yes, of course we do Yes.”
“Then how is it a punishment?”
There is silence.
I start yelling. “Don’t listen to her,” I get almost in Lilith’s face, “I deserve to be punished. Do it now. Bad boy to good girl or something like that”
Lilith lowers her wand, “I think Barbie raises a good point”
“No, she doesn’t. It’s OK. Go ahead. Punish me. Please! God, Barbie, why did you say that? I hate you.”
Barbie shakes her head. “He doesn’t really mean that, he just gets a little bitchy at a certain time of the month.” She turns to face me, “But I promise you this. You have not seen the last of me. I will not rest until I have found a way to give you the TG transformation that you deserve. And then– Hey maybe we can get matching fox alligator purses. Wouldn’t that be so cute?”
As the two of them begin to fade into a pink cloud of smoke I hear Barbie whisper to Lilith “Hey you’re sort of cute –”
Did I mention that I hate TG Fairies? I do. All of them. Every last one.
